I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
