His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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