okay pat passed out under dana's car
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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