I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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