too bad you live with your parents still
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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