i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
