someone get that fucking seahorse.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
