Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
