my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
