I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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