can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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