I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
