she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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