K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
