She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
