i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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