i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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