what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
