I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
