i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
