We named our party play list daddy issues
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
