i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
