Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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