I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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