two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
