You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
