I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
