Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
