Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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