I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
