You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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