there's paper in my vomit.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
