I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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