I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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