Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
