I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
