How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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