i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
