Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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