I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
