Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
