did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
