A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
