I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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