Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
