I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
