Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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