I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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