No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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