I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
